Have you had days of confusion, despair and fear? If not, we need to talk! We all have times in our lives when we feel this way. My heart goes out to you. I have been in this place more often in the last couple weeks than I'd like to admit. I'll keep it real and sum it up...I've been filled with fear and heart pounding anxiety. Where did the confident and courageous woman I've been go? I'm an overcomer; what's going on!? So why so much anxiety now? 

Ironically, on my hike this morning, I came to the bottom of a hill and saw an unleashed dog running towards me. Years ago, my sweet little daughter was bit on the face by a dog and I had a fear of dogs for a long time. But I overcame that fear, except for in this brief moment. For some reason, maybe it's my recent heightened fear and anxiety, I saw him running at me and the first words out of my mouth were, "oh shit!". My thought was, brace for impact. Seriously? No worries; everything was fine and his owner apologized. As I walked away with my heart still pounding but with a clearer mind, I felt just plain silly. Why was I so afraid, it was not such a big deal, right? Yes, I was triggered by the trauma of my daughters experience, but we'd all overcome that. Heck, she is the biggest dog lover of us all. In fact, she even photographed a dog identical to the one who attacked her. Courage! As I continued on, I began to reflect more about where I'm at emotionally. I began talking out loud (oh if the dragonflies could talk :)) 

I've gained weight and I'm physically weak (as I'm out of breath hiking up a hill I used to run up!). I've been in this place before and I overcame it with hard work, dedication and I WILL overcome again. I've been filled with despair, depression and doubts, and I overcame those feelings with faith, perseverance, and trust in God. In building a relationship with my Savior and relying on the Atonement, I found peace, direction and courage. He helped me to overcome and I WILL overcome again! My most recent trigger is the anxiety and fear I have with my ex husband moving back into town. Bittersweet because my son will be closer to us BUT...I've been here before too, many times actually. As I got emotionally healthier and stronger, I had the courage to set my boundaries, remove toxicity from my life, own what was mine and reject what was not and finally be at a place of peace and CALM.  The storm is always there ready to rage, but I've learned how to protect myself and overcome, or maybe I'm still in the process of overcoming. I can; no wait, I will make the best of this situation as well. I'm learning to EMBRACE the uncertainty of this life.

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,
but rarely admit the changes it has
gone through to achieve that beauty. "
Maya Angelou

Life is a an adventurous journey, a roller coaster of sorts. Some lessons we have to keep relearning and that's okay, they're great reminders and can give us an eternal perspective. I'm grateful for the friendly black dog who came across my path this morning and reminded me of all the things I've overcome, all the things I still have yet to overcome. We are all transforming. This life is a time of growth and learning how to become our best selves. A metamorphosing, like the caterpillar who becomes a butterfly. Do you know what happens to the butterfly while it is in the cocoon? It's body releases enzymes which turns the body into liquid. Crazy right?  And then it rebuilds itself into a beautiful butterfly. The entire body recreated. God is amazing! Now I don't know for sure, but I would think there might be some pain involved through this process. Just like there is some pain as we under go our own transformation or metamorphosis. But Glennon Doyle said it best; "Pain is a traveling professor." Pain can teach us, if we allow it. My goal is to embrace the pain, and sit with it until it has taught me what I need to know and allow the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal.  
     
As we find peace and safety within ourselves, in our relationships, and most importantly with a higher power, together we will overcome this life's uphill journey. 

What are things you have overcome and what helps you on your journey of becoming?  

Tracking and Measuring

A couple months ago in my social media class we were discussing the value and importance of tracking and measuring your efforts. Our teacher challenged us to find an area in our life we could set a goal, measure and track our progress. Recently my son had shown me an app to track my "steps." Because I work full time and I'm a full time student, I do a lot of sitting. I wasn't up and moving like I used to be and I was starting to notice and feel the difference. A conscious effort was made to ensure my steps were met for the day, even if it meant taking laps around the neighborhood after long days of work and school. Sounds simple right? Not so; especially when depression kicks you in the butt. But, I continued tracking my steps and then reluctantly began tracking my weight. UGH! I have not gotten on a scale in a long time, but I had to start my data somehow. The number on the scale shocked me and not in a good way!! Now I know the number on the scale does not reflect my worth.

Understand even without the number on the scale, I knew I was not healthy because of the way I was feeling physically, mentally and the number on the scale confirmed it! And let's be honest, my clothes were getting a little too tight. I needed to start making conscious choices in regards to my health. For me it was more than the weight, there were other health concerns too. Occasionally I would record my weight, not always happy with the numbers fluctuating but understanding it was a process. Then one day I was looking back over the month of recorded weight, and realized with little effort I had lost 5 pounds. Now to some of you, this may not seem like a big deal. But for me it was a positive step in the right direction and I began to see the value in tracking and recording my progress. Key word...progress. Though I am not where I would like to be and feel, I am encouraged that I can do this. I can get back to my physically healthier self, even with my crazy busy schedule. By tracking and measuring my exercise, water intake and weight I am better able to show quantifiable results from my efforts. And the ROI (return of investment) delivers a healthy, happier me!

Here's to embracing my body regardless of what the scale may say AND enjoying my favorite after work out protein shake. Sending light and love...

   This blog was started years ago, and I took my writings from this blog to my personal journals. Through the years there have been journals filled with life experiences from my personal journey as well as our family's journey. I felt a strong pull to get back to blogging and creating a space to share all the experiences, lessons and tender mercies God has provided. It is with His guidance I write and pray to know what message to share. There are still personal lessons I need to learn through this process, and  I hope to bring inspiration to those reading as I share. We are not to walk this life alone, rather to support, love and find joy together in this crazy beautiful life!

Word for 2015-

   January 2015: my word choice was "Happiness." I read books, researched, wrote...all in my search for happiness (wait...isn't that a book/movie?) Anyway. As I focused on this word and looked for "happiness," I caught myself  thinking "if only." Seriously? I quickly discovered this "happiness" can't be found in my circumstances and especially through others. Not even with a new job, a boyfriend, children or friendships. Don't get me wrong there were many moments of pure bliss and happiness (how could one not be happy in Hawaii?); yet these moments were fleeting and became beautiful memories. Reality, setbacks and grief swooped in and knocked me on my butt. 

 "We choose to be happy and positive regardless of what comes our way." Pres Monson 

   So happiness can be found through personal effort, diligence, a positive mindset and having faith in something greater than ourselves/circumstances...still working on it! 2015 also brought more lessons to learn in this regard: Letting Go~(ya start singing...Let it Go...) Many opportunities for me to learn to let go and trust God and His plan. Sometimes you just have to give it to God and go to sleep.

   As I pondered what my word would be for 2016; I went through all I've had to let go of this year, and the list is long and got kinda depressing! In my efforts to stay happy and positive, the thought came...what's opposite of letting go? EMBRACE~  

Word for 2016- "Embrace~"

Embrace: an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically

 
   This really was a spiritual moment~choosing to embrace life and the changes that always come. It can be a very empowering process in discovering a direction you can take in the coming year. Something to work towards in our journey of growth. 

A Season of Change:

I LOVE TREES- you will read many a post connecting with trees. Does it matter the meaning of my name is Palmtree? That's for another post...moving on...

In this season of letting go and discovering happiness, I went for a run on my favorite trail. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and the leaves were breathtaking and you could hear the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet. In my urgency to get home something stopped me in my tracks and I realized; I am always rushing to get somewhere (maybe the life of a mom..single mom at that), but always in a hurry. Rushing to be home or to be with my kids (who are teenagers/young adults, do they really care-NO). Rushing to a job to show I'm a good employee. Rushing/dropping things to be with friends and loved ones. So I gave myself permission to slow down, step back and ponder this moment I felt God was trying to give me. I found this newly planted tree with its changing colors.

The irony of the changing seasons and colors of the leaves struck me and the emotions followed. I snuck into a secluded spot to have a good cry. See, just a few days before I was informed my son, who had already left to live with his dad a year prior, had decided now to move with them to California, and my second daughter would be going with them too. There have been so many changes in our family. Experiencing yet more changes (like the changing of the seasons) I see how it relates to my life, all of our lives. Seasons come, changes are a given, and yet in this moment I was having a hard time accepting the changes (really? like hanging on will stop the leaves from falling or stop the changes that are coming?) The serenity prayer came to mind, as it does many times..

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. 

Courage to change the things I can.

 And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.

 Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

 Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

 Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. 

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and 

supremely happy with Him forever and ever in the next. Amen."

As I was having these thoughts a single leaf fell right in front of me, landing on my foot. To me this was a tender mercy from a loving God to remind me He was there, and mindful of the changes. My thoughts quickly went to the healing which comes through Christ's Atonement and reminded "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. We all can find strength and healing through Christ. It's all going to be okay. My dad jokes with me..."You're just going through the empty nesting phase that every parent goes through. You've just had to do it a lot sooner than most." So I willingly embrace the changes, and enthusiastically look for ways to create  meaningful time with my children. May we all find quiet, purposeful time to find the messages the Lord wants us to hear for this coming year.

"Grace will take us places hustling can't." Liz Gilbert

Bring on 2016: I Embrace...

Change, Grief, Faith, Love, Healing, Grace, Wellness, Discipline, Trust, Connections, Happiness, Solutions...  

      

Happy 4th Of July~



This year we joined in the Kaysville festivities because Anna was in the parade again with Show Stoppers Production. They performed to songs from Footloose~ Anna was so excited to tell me all about her costume. It was even funnier when she learned that her costume (minus the silver hair) is what I really wore in the 80's. Anna had so much fun in her drama camp and is looking forward to starting up again in the fall.





Look at all the stuff Carson collected from the parade! Good times~




What was so funny during the parade was waiting for Anna to come by so we could watch her perform her solo part. She got infront of us and my sister Debra started video taping her but they started moving on past us. So there we are running down the street (just like last year) trying to catch her solo performance on video. Sorry to all of those kaysville patrons we ran infront of, tripped over or stepped on. We really did try to time it...kinda impossible though~ But alas we got the video...way to go Deb! And Anna...you rock..."Everybody cut footloose"

After the parade we went back to Grandma and Grandpas for swimming and BBQing and to play our traditional dice game.




Our dear friend from Ukraine; Yulya was introduced to silly string which Davis did not like at all!


That night we went back to our spots in Kaysville to watch a spectacular firework show. What a fun and memorable day we had celebrating our country. May we all become more aware and involved in protecting what our founding fathers worked so hard to create and for all those who have given their lives to ensure these liberties. And most of all give thanks to our Heavenly Father in giving us this choice land.

Take me out to the BALL GAME~

This summer has been a summer of softball! Madalyn played on the city Rec Softball Team....GOOOO Thunder! Their team took second in the season and second in the championship game. These girls played a honest and fair game and are considered first place in my eyes.




She also tried out for the All-Star team and made it...GOOO purple Thunder!




The team played different tournaments and games this summer. Madalyn has made some good friends on this team. I am really impressed with the coach and his wife and the positive example and influence they are for these girls. There were questionable calls made in several games (as there always is in sports) and sometimes they were on Madalyns plays and I am impressed with how Madalyn kept her cool and respected the calls even when her parents on the side wanted to scream.

It is inspirational to watch Madalyn play in any sport. She has natural talent and passion for the game...any game she is playing. With that great passion for playing she can't be kept down. Several times over the past year she has been injured. In church ball there was one game where the older girls (Laurels) "took Maddy out" several times. She was hurt but she got up each time and showed them she would not be taken down for good. She is tough. Several other times during softball she had hurt the same ankle and we feared it was getting worse than what we initially thought was a sprain. We took her in and the doctor x-rayed her ankle. It showed she had cracked the growth plate on her ankle bone. We are not exactly sure when this happened because her ankle has been injured so many times this year. He is very concerned about her tendons and ligaments being torn around the bone. He told Maddy she was done playing softball. Oh wow...the tears began to flow. I don't think he was prepared to have that reaction. My heart broke for her as her disappointment set in. When we told him that she was on the All Stars and had more tournaments he had some compassion. He put her in this lovely boot and will check on her in a couple weeks to see how the healing is coming and if he will let her play the rest of the summer.



Madalyn is realizing it is probably best to rest the ankle and let it heal which means staying out of softball for the rest of the summer. She wants it to heal so she can be ready for volleyball tryouts in a month. See she is tough and smart! I just feel so bad she was struggling and in more pain then she was letting on. Here's praying for a speedy recovery!

June 2010

Happy Birthday Charissa!


I still find it hard to believe my oldest daughter is 15, graduating from Junior High going to High School next year! Where has the time gone?

The things she has enjoyed this year are: ballet, texting, going to regional dances(where boys confuse her for a senior in HS), hanging out with friends giggling, going to movies and out to eat, oh and did I mention ballet?



I am proud of how she has shared the gospel with her friends. It was very impressive when she told me the questions they asked her and how mature she was when answering the tough questions. She has been through the refiners fire and come out with a strong testimony and has independently sought for answers to her own concerns and questions. Oh the faith of this young woman!

Charissa has loved her ballet class this year and has had many accomplishments. One being she is able to land a triple pirouette on pointe. She just received her placement for next year and was advanced 2 class levels. Way to go Sista~



We watched her in her performance and it truly brought tears to our eyes. Seriously...I looked down the row to see my parents and sisters wiping their eyes.




This year at her performance we brought one of my little preschoolers and her mom. This sweet little girl loves ballet and wants to be a ballerina. She looked so cute in her little tu tu her mom made and she sat so well through the entire ballet. After the ballet Charissa met her and gave her a pair of her old pointe shoes and even signed them for her. She told Azriela she could be anything she wanted to be.





Azrielas Mom wrote me... "Thank you SO much for inviting us and and raising such AMAZING children. I really enjoyed all your kids. They really amazed me. Rarely do I meet such out going and kind children. And those ballet shoes mean SOOOOO much to rella. Tell Charissa THANK YOU! Rella is holding them and hugging them as we speak. She told me last night on the drive home "I LOVE charissa!". You and your family are amazing!"



I'm sure this is only the beginning to the many experiences we will watch with Charissa. We love you sis and are sooo proud of the young woman you are!

May 2010
Carson has such a passion for animals. He'll be found watching shows on tv concerning animals on land or sea. He'll be found reading books or online researching various animals. So for one of his projects this year in school he chose to learn more about one of his favorite animals...the cheetah.



He wrote a 2 page report and made this diorama with the cheetah in its natural habitat. He spent hours molding and painting with the help of his sisters. It was really amazing to see the finshed product. Except for when I finally got around to take a close up of the finished prodcut I didn't realize the tail had broken off ...oops.



Very Impressive Carson~

April 2010

Happy Happy Birthday
From All of us to you~
We're glad it is your birthday
So we can party too~


Happy Happy Birthday
May all your dreams come true
We hope you will be happy
In everything you do!

Our Madalyn is finally a teenager! Happy 13th Maddy!



This has been an amazing year to watch Madalyn grow in many aspects of her life. This year we have watched Madalyn excel in her sports passions. From making the jr. high volleyball team, to kickin it in church basketball, and now getting excited for the softball season.
She has been called to serve in her church Beehive Class as their secratary and has strengthend her testimony by increasing her desire to do her personal progress. She is developing into a stunning young woman.
Thank you Madalyn for your passion for life and your willingness to serve so many people around you! We love you~

Happy Easter 2010


Easter giving came easier for us this year. Forget the gifts...the Easter Bunny is no fool at our house. Give cash and they can buy what they want.



We enjoyed a relaxing day with our family.








We experineced crazy weather this spring. The day after Easter ( notice the dry groung the day of?) we had a massive snow storm and woke up to the yards covered in 10 inches of snow!

Valentines Day~

Our Valentine Celebrations started with Anna's 50's Dance on Friday. She did a lip sync with a group of her friends. I must say they did an amazing performance. All those "practices" at her friends houses for the last month paid off :)

I have to tattle on Anna here...just a little. Of course I think it makes her mother look worse! I showed up at the performance and noticed all these mothers sticking around and I soon found out there was going to be a dance as well. UMMMM no Anna did not tell me this! Or did she? So of course I stuck around. When Anna came back into the gym and saw me still standing there; the look on her face was priceless! Oh ya...I am here and I brought my camera!! We giggled about it and I didn't want to embarrass her so I took a couple pictures of the group dances and left her alone to enjoy the dance. She can dance circles around a lot of those girls...she has got the moves....love you Anna!

Another confession: Remember...I never said I was perfect!! We have a tradition at our house which came from my mom. Each year on Valentines Day there is a knock at the door and the children all run to see what or who is there. On the doorstep they will find little gifts left by their mother. And often..okay always...I am standing to the side taking pictures. Well this year it was kind of a challenge for me to "sneak" out the front door to leave the goodies. We have windows all over the front of the house. So as I was making a break for the door I literally bumped into a friend of ours who was trying to leave a valentine for Carson. With the commotion my children chose to look out one of the many windows and saw me standing there with the goodies. I set the gift bags down...went back inside and got a little irritated they looked out the window. I mean...seriously? We do this every year...why couldn't they just play along and wait for the doorbell to ring! So here are my wonderful children posing at the front door with their goody bags :) Happy Valentines Day~ Oh wait though...it gets better

About 15 minutes later I am ready to go and deliver goodies to my nephews/niece and I hear a lot of commotion in Anna's room. They are stalling and keeping me from going outside! Finally they agree to leave with me and I walk out to this candy gram ontop of my car!

It reads.... YOU Rock! Happy Valentines Day! You are such a "sweetheart". Not even close to being a "dum dum" and you are as beautiful as a "dove"! You're as sweet as a "sugar baby" and even though you "blow(pop)" up we still love you! Hope you have a "crunch"tastic Valentines. Love, Madalyn, Anna, Carson and Charissa Aren't they the best? Such a humbling moment for me. sidenote....I look exhausted and worn out in this picture! Later that day we met for dinner at my moms house with my sisters and their families. And yes....this time we were able to get the goodies out the door before the children could see. And there I was in the snow capturing the moment!

Here are three of my cutest nephews ever!!

And my wonderfully forgiving children! Happy Valentines Day to you~