Have you had days of confusion, despair and fear? If not, we need to talk! We all have times in our lives when we feel this way. My heart goes out to you. I have been in this place more often in the last couple weeks than I'd like to admit. I'll keep it real and sum it up...I've been filled with fear and heart pounding anxiety. Where did the confident and courageous woman I've been go? I'm an overcomer; what's going on!? So why so much anxiety now? 

Ironically, on my hike this morning, I came to the bottom of a hill and saw an unleashed dog running towards me. Years ago, my sweet little daughter was bit on the face by a dog and I had a fear of dogs for a long time. But I overcame that fear, except for in this brief moment. For some reason, maybe it's my recent heightened fear and anxiety, I saw him running at me and the first words out of my mouth were, "oh shit!". My thought was, brace for impact. Seriously? No worries; everything was fine and his owner apologized. As I walked away with my heart still pounding but with a clearer mind, I felt just plain silly. Why was I so afraid, it was not such a big deal, right? Yes, I was triggered by the trauma of my daughters experience, but we'd all overcome that. Heck, she is the biggest dog lover of us all. In fact, she even photographed a dog identical to the one who attacked her. Courage! As I continued on, I began to reflect more about where I'm at emotionally. I began talking out loud (oh if the dragonflies could talk :)) 

I've gained weight and I'm physically weak (as I'm out of breath hiking up a hill I used to run up!). I've been in this place before and I overcame it with hard work, dedication and I WILL overcome again. I've been filled with despair, depression and doubts, and I overcame those feelings with faith, perseverance, and trust in God. In building a relationship with my Savior and relying on the Atonement, I found peace, direction and courage. He helped me to overcome and I WILL overcome again! My most recent trigger is the anxiety and fear I have with my ex husband moving back into town. Bittersweet because my son will be closer to us BUT...I've been here before too, many times actually. As I got emotionally healthier and stronger, I had the courage to set my boundaries, remove toxicity from my life, own what was mine and reject what was not and finally be at a place of peace and CALM.  The storm is always there ready to rage, but I've learned how to protect myself and overcome, or maybe I'm still in the process of overcoming. I can; no wait, I will make the best of this situation as well. I'm learning to EMBRACE the uncertainty of this life.

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,
but rarely admit the changes it has
gone through to achieve that beauty. "
Maya Angelou

Life is a an adventurous journey, a roller coaster of sorts. Some lessons we have to keep relearning and that's okay, they're great reminders and can give us an eternal perspective. I'm grateful for the friendly black dog who came across my path this morning and reminded me of all the things I've overcome, all the things I still have yet to overcome. We are all transforming. This life is a time of growth and learning how to become our best selves. A metamorphosing, like the caterpillar who becomes a butterfly. Do you know what happens to the butterfly while it is in the cocoon? It's body releases enzymes which turns the body into liquid. Crazy right?  And then it rebuilds itself into a beautiful butterfly. The entire body recreated. God is amazing! Now I don't know for sure, but I would think there might be some pain involved through this process. Just like there is some pain as we under go our own transformation or metamorphosis. But Glennon Doyle said it best; "Pain is a traveling professor." Pain can teach us, if we allow it. My goal is to embrace the pain, and sit with it until it has taught me what I need to know and allow the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal.  
     
As we find peace and safety within ourselves, in our relationships, and most importantly with a higher power, together we will overcome this life's uphill journey. 

What are things you have overcome and what helps you on your journey of becoming?  

Tracking and Measuring

A couple months ago in my social media class we were discussing the value and importance of tracking and measuring your efforts. Our teacher challenged us to find an area in our life we could set a goal, measure and track our progress. Recently my son had shown me an app to track my "steps." Because I work full time and I'm a full time student, I do a lot of sitting. I wasn't up and moving like I used to be and I was starting to notice and feel the difference. A conscious effort was made to ensure my steps were met for the day, even if it meant taking laps around the neighborhood after long days of work and school. Sounds simple right? Not so; especially when depression kicks you in the butt. But, I continued tracking my steps and then reluctantly began tracking my weight. UGH! I have not gotten on a scale in a long time, but I had to start my data somehow. The number on the scale shocked me and not in a good way!! Now I know the number on the scale does not reflect my worth.

Understand even without the number on the scale, I knew I was not healthy because of the way I was feeling physically, mentally and the number on the scale confirmed it! And let's be honest, my clothes were getting a little too tight. I needed to start making conscious choices in regards to my health. For me it was more than the weight, there were other health concerns too. Occasionally I would record my weight, not always happy with the numbers fluctuating but understanding it was a process. Then one day I was looking back over the month of recorded weight, and realized with little effort I had lost 5 pounds. Now to some of you, this may not seem like a big deal. But for me it was a positive step in the right direction and I began to see the value in tracking and recording my progress. Key word...progress. Though I am not where I would like to be and feel, I am encouraged that I can do this. I can get back to my physically healthier self, even with my crazy busy schedule. By tracking and measuring my exercise, water intake and weight I am better able to show quantifiable results from my efforts. And the ROI (return of investment) delivers a healthy, happier me!

Here's to embracing my body regardless of what the scale may say AND enjoying my favorite after work out protein shake. Sending light and love...

   This blog was started years ago, and I took my writings from this blog to my personal journals. Through the years there have been journals filled with life experiences from my personal journey as well as our family's journey. I felt a strong pull to get back to blogging and creating a space to share all the experiences, lessons and tender mercies God has provided. It is with His guidance I write and pray to know what message to share. There are still personal lessons I need to learn through this process, and  I hope to bring inspiration to those reading as I share. We are not to walk this life alone, rather to support, love and find joy together in this crazy beautiful life!

Word for 2015-

   January 2015: my word choice was "Happiness." I read books, researched, wrote...all in my search for happiness (wait...isn't that a book/movie?) Anyway. As I focused on this word and looked for "happiness," I caught myself  thinking "if only." Seriously? I quickly discovered this "happiness" can't be found in my circumstances and especially through others. Not even with a new job, a boyfriend, children or friendships. Don't get me wrong there were many moments of pure bliss and happiness (how could one not be happy in Hawaii?); yet these moments were fleeting and became beautiful memories. Reality, setbacks and grief swooped in and knocked me on my butt. 

 "We choose to be happy and positive regardless of what comes our way." Pres Monson 

   So happiness can be found through personal effort, diligence, a positive mindset and having faith in something greater than ourselves/circumstances...still working on it! 2015 also brought more lessons to learn in this regard: Letting Go~(ya start singing...Let it Go...) Many opportunities for me to learn to let go and trust God and His plan. Sometimes you just have to give it to God and go to sleep.

   As I pondered what my word would be for 2016; I went through all I've had to let go of this year, and the list is long and got kinda depressing! In my efforts to stay happy and positive, the thought came...what's opposite of letting go? EMBRACE~  

Word for 2016- "Embrace~"

Embrace: an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically

 
   This really was a spiritual moment~choosing to embrace life and the changes that always come. It can be a very empowering process in discovering a direction you can take in the coming year. Something to work towards in our journey of growth. 

A Season of Change:

I LOVE TREES- you will read many a post connecting with trees. Does it matter the meaning of my name is Palmtree? That's for another post...moving on...

In this season of letting go and discovering happiness, I went for a run on my favorite trail. It was a beautiful fall afternoon and the leaves were breathtaking and you could hear the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet. In my urgency to get home something stopped me in my tracks and I realized; I am always rushing to get somewhere (maybe the life of a mom..single mom at that), but always in a hurry. Rushing to be home or to be with my kids (who are teenagers/young adults, do they really care-NO). Rushing to a job to show I'm a good employee. Rushing/dropping things to be with friends and loved ones. So I gave myself permission to slow down, step back and ponder this moment I felt God was trying to give me. I found this newly planted tree with its changing colors.

The irony of the changing seasons and colors of the leaves struck me and the emotions followed. I snuck into a secluded spot to have a good cry. See, just a few days before I was informed my son, who had already left to live with his dad a year prior, had decided now to move with them to California, and my second daughter would be going with them too. There have been so many changes in our family. Experiencing yet more changes (like the changing of the seasons) I see how it relates to my life, all of our lives. Seasons come, changes are a given, and yet in this moment I was having a hard time accepting the changes (really? like hanging on will stop the leaves from falling or stop the changes that are coming?) The serenity prayer came to mind, as it does many times..

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. 

Courage to change the things I can.

 And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.

 Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

 Taking as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

 Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. 

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and 

supremely happy with Him forever and ever in the next. Amen."

As I was having these thoughts a single leaf fell right in front of me, landing on my foot. To me this was a tender mercy from a loving God to remind me He was there, and mindful of the changes. My thoughts quickly went to the healing which comes through Christ's Atonement and reminded "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. We all can find strength and healing through Christ. It's all going to be okay. My dad jokes with me..."You're just going through the empty nesting phase that every parent goes through. You've just had to do it a lot sooner than most." So I willingly embrace the changes, and enthusiastically look for ways to create  meaningful time with my children. May we all find quiet, purposeful time to find the messages the Lord wants us to hear for this coming year.

"Grace will take us places hustling can't." Liz Gilbert

Bring on 2016: I Embrace...

Change, Grief, Faith, Love, Healing, Grace, Wellness, Discipline, Trust, Connections, Happiness, Solutions...