Have you had days of confusion, despair and fear? If not, we need to talk! We all have times in our lives when we feel this way. My heart goes out to you. I have been in this place more often in the last couple weeks than I'd like to admit. I'll keep it real and sum it up...I've been filled with fear and heart pounding anxiety. Where did the confident and courageous woman I've been go? I'm an overcomer; what's going on!? So why so much anxiety now? 

Ironically, on my hike this morning, I came to the bottom of a hill and saw an unleashed dog running towards me. Years ago, my sweet little daughter was bit on the face by a dog and I had a fear of dogs for a long time. But I overcame that fear, except for in this brief moment. For some reason, maybe it's my recent heightened fear and anxiety, I saw him running at me and the first words out of my mouth were, "oh shit!". My thought was, brace for impact. Seriously? No worries; everything was fine and his owner apologized. As I walked away with my heart still pounding but with a clearer mind, I felt just plain silly. Why was I so afraid, it was not such a big deal, right? Yes, I was triggered by the trauma of my daughters experience, but we'd all overcome that. Heck, she is the biggest dog lover of us all. In fact, she even photographed a dog identical to the one who attacked her. Courage! As I continued on, I began to reflect more about where I'm at emotionally. I began talking out loud (oh if the dragonflies could talk :)) 

I've gained weight and I'm physically weak (as I'm out of breath hiking up a hill I used to run up!). I've been in this place before and I overcame it with hard work, dedication and I WILL overcome again. I've been filled with despair, depression and doubts, and I overcame those feelings with faith, perseverance, and trust in God. In building a relationship with my Savior and relying on the Atonement, I found peace, direction and courage. He helped me to overcome and I WILL overcome again! My most recent trigger is the anxiety and fear I have with my ex husband moving back into town. Bittersweet because my son will be closer to us BUT...I've been here before too, many times actually. As I got emotionally healthier and stronger, I had the courage to set my boundaries, remove toxicity from my life, own what was mine and reject what was not and finally be at a place of peace and CALM.  The storm is always there ready to rage, but I've learned how to protect myself and overcome, or maybe I'm still in the process of overcoming. I can; no wait, I will make the best of this situation as well. I'm learning to EMBRACE the uncertainty of this life.

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly,
but rarely admit the changes it has
gone through to achieve that beauty. "
Maya Angelou

Life is a an adventurous journey, a roller coaster of sorts. Some lessons we have to keep relearning and that's okay, they're great reminders and can give us an eternal perspective. I'm grateful for the friendly black dog who came across my path this morning and reminded me of all the things I've overcome, all the things I still have yet to overcome. We are all transforming. This life is a time of growth and learning how to become our best selves. A metamorphosing, like the caterpillar who becomes a butterfly. Do you know what happens to the butterfly while it is in the cocoon? It's body releases enzymes which turns the body into liquid. Crazy right?  And then it rebuilds itself into a beautiful butterfly. The entire body recreated. God is amazing! Now I don't know for sure, but I would think there might be some pain involved through this process. Just like there is some pain as we under go our own transformation or metamorphosis. But Glennon Doyle said it best; "Pain is a traveling professor." Pain can teach us, if we allow it. My goal is to embrace the pain, and sit with it until it has taught me what I need to know and allow the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal.  
     
As we find peace and safety within ourselves, in our relationships, and most importantly with a higher power, together we will overcome this life's uphill journey. 

What are things you have overcome and what helps you on your journey of becoming?  

Tracking and Measuring

A couple months ago in my social media class we were discussing the value and importance of tracking and measuring your efforts. Our teacher challenged us to find an area in our life we could set a goal, measure and track our progress. Recently my son had shown me an app to track my "steps." Because I work full time and I'm a full time student, I do a lot of sitting. I wasn't up and moving like I used to be and I was starting to notice and feel the difference. A conscious effort was made to ensure my steps were met for the day, even if it meant taking laps around the neighborhood after long days of work and school. Sounds simple right? Not so; especially when depression kicks you in the butt. But, I continued tracking my steps and then reluctantly began tracking my weight. UGH! I have not gotten on a scale in a long time, but I had to start my data somehow. The number on the scale shocked me and not in a good way!! Now I know the number on the scale does not reflect my worth.

Understand even without the number on the scale, I knew I was not healthy because of the way I was feeling physically, mentally and the number on the scale confirmed it! And let's be honest, my clothes were getting a little too tight. I needed to start making conscious choices in regards to my health. For me it was more than the weight, there were other health concerns too. Occasionally I would record my weight, not always happy with the numbers fluctuating but understanding it was a process. Then one day I was looking back over the month of recorded weight, and realized with little effort I had lost 5 pounds. Now to some of you, this may not seem like a big deal. But for me it was a positive step in the right direction and I began to see the value in tracking and recording my progress. Key word...progress. Though I am not where I would like to be and feel, I am encouraged that I can do this. I can get back to my physically healthier self, even with my crazy busy schedule. By tracking and measuring my exercise, water intake and weight I am better able to show quantifiable results from my efforts. And the ROI (return of investment) delivers a healthy, happier me!

Here's to embracing my body regardless of what the scale may say AND enjoying my favorite after work out protein shake. Sending light and love...